A difficult decision to say the least

I made an incredibly difficult decision recently. I mean really difficult. On par with changing jobs, moving, or deciding to have a child. It certainly will change my life just as much as any of the mentioned decisions.

I decided to retire (take a break, I'm not sure yet) from roller derby.

This post is for me. It is so I remember how much I love derby and how hard this decision was for me. It is so I know I seriously weighed my options and made this decision for me and my family. It is so I recall that I did not come by this decision lightly.

It is also so my teammates know these things. I planned to explain to them why I had to quit when I told them, but all I could do was cry and blubber. Written words will have to do.

As I said, this was not a decision made in haste or with little thought. In fact, I am pretty sure JT would have invested in ear plugs or left me if I talked about it to/with him anymore. I wanted guidance from him. But being the incredible husband he is, he refused to tip the scales for me. He insisted that what is best for our family is whatever I decide. If roller derby is what makes me happy, do it. If I feel overwhelmed and stressed trying to fit everything in, don't do it. Simple. Right?

I am eternally grateful for his support, he has never complained about my involvement with derby. Ever. But, in this case I really, really wanted some guidance. I know in my heart he was right, it was a decision I needed to make for me, not him. But it was hard, and I wanted him to make it for me.

After a great deal of wavering, I decided to stop skating for now. I now JT does not think I will stick to this decision. He has made this abundantly clear. He knows derby. He knows derby girls. He knows that derby is so much more than a hobby. It is an addiction. A way of life. It is fulfilling and gratifying.

I am going to stop skating though. I have to. For my soul, my mind, and my body.

That is why I am quitting. I cannot do it all anymore. It is too much for this human woman.

 I miss my baby. There are just not enough hours in the day right now for me to do derby, be the mom I want to be, and have the career I want to have. One of these things needs to give and unfortunately I only saw one option. I love being a mom. I love my career. I need more time for both of those things. Unfortunately the only place I could find more time was from derby.

You may think if you love derby so much, why not just cut back? Continue skating but go part time, or just less.

Those of you who know me know this is not an option. I am an all or nothing person. I tried this concept this season, I failed miserably. I cannot invlove myself in something I am not 100% committed to. I blame this on my mother and her, once-you-make-a-commitment-you-must-follow through mantra. That one stuck, mom. I hope to make it stick for my kid as well. It is a good mantra, but I kind of wish it wasn't so engrained in my soul right about now.

My last game was Saturday. It was about as good as it could have been. We won a close game, it was super fun, I played pretty well. It was a great way to go out, but it made it even harder. That game was so fun. It was what derby addiction is made of.

I told JT it would have been easier if I would have played terribly or if we had had a rough game. I would never wish those things for my team, but it would  have made it easier to walk away. I am so happy we won Saturday. I am so happy it was an incredibly fun game. I am so happy I felt good about how I played.

I am so sad it was my last game.

I will miss my team with an intensity I cannot describe. I will miss derby with an intensity I cannot describe. BUT

I also will love sleeping more, seeing my family more, and getting caught up at work more than I can describe. I will love having the energy to play with Audrey. I am excited to expand our family. I am so excited to have time for running, yoga, and other hobbies that have been put aside. I am excited to have more money, good lord derby is expensive.

It is with a heavily conflicted heart I look forward to the months ahead. Vixens please know you are my sisters. I love everything about the Vixens, and I will remain involved in a smaller way. I cannot give you up cold-turkey. You are my family in a city where I have none. You are friends, mentors, and advocates. You are the most incredible group of men and women with which I have ever been involved and I am not going to give that up. I love being a Vixen and always will be, even if I'm not on the track. I want you to know how much the love and support of this team means to me and how hard it was for me to come to this decision. You all are the best, thank you.

And please don't worry, serious baby will still be around.

I miss my baby.

I am failing at blogging in a timely manner.

There are many things I am failing at right now.

Time is a serious struggle for me presently. It is only going to get worse with the loss of my house husband, which I am super happy about, yay for an end to the government shut down. Yay, paychecks. But it won't help with the too much to do, too little time problem.

This time crunch situation means I am behind on blogs, it means I have almost no new pictures of Audrey, it means I have missed bedtime and snuggle time and steps so many times in the past few weeks. It means I miss my baby. A lot. It means when I am with my baby it is all I can do not to smother her in hugs and kisses, which she hates by the way. It means I miss my husband and lazy days at home. It means I miss slow life.

BUT, things are about to get better. I have my last weekend work event and my last derby bout of the season this weekend. And, I don't have any overnight trips planned in the near future.

Bring on the family time! The snuggles, the cuddles, the walking, and the whining. I am excited for it all!

I am dreaming of family weekends at the pumpkin patch, Halloween parties, and even a date night for JT and me. Time is about to get less scarce and that makes me really, really excited.

Taking steps, or so I've heard.

Apparently, Audrey took three steps in a row on Saturday. She wobble, walked from the couch to the coffee table.

I say apparently because I was working, so I did not witness this milestone. JT excitedly texted me the news, and I tried not to cry.

I may have mentioned to him that it would be OK if he didn't tell me about big milestones that happen when I'm not home.

But really, I know he was super excited and I was too.

I wouldn't want him not to tell me. It will be special for me when I see Audrey's take steps for the first time whether it is the first time she has ever done it, or just the first time I have seen her.'Cause let's be real, I'm not going to be there to witness every milestone.

At least this is what I keep telling myself.

We are fortunate in that if she has walked at daycare we have no idea. Our daycare provider doesn't  tell us if stuff like that happens. It is not her first rodeo. Just one reason why she rocks.

I'm sure Audrey will be taking more steps in no time. She stands unassisted for quite a bit and loves to wobble/fall/reach from one piece of furniture to another. She is working hard on walking. Such a big girl!

I don't have any video yet, as I was not there. But will get some soon, I hope.

In other news, the government is still shut down. So, JT is not working. Such fun.

He has been keeping busy being a house husband and going to the gym. I am getting pretty used to having a house husband. However, losing my house husband so we can have 60% of our income back is an adjustment I am happy to make. I hope to adjust sooner rather than later.

We will end on a happy note, because really who wants to hear about JT's furlough problems.

Because JT hasn't been working we have been able to do more fun things like take Audrey to the park after daycare. She is finally willing to crawl on wood chips. This has made the park a whole new experience.

Swinging is still her favorite. You cannot argue with these photos.

Audrey: 10 Months

Audrey is into double digit months. She is 10 months, that is a lot of months.

She is changing so fast right now. It is so much fun to watch her pick up new things every day. Some of her bigger accomplishments include super fast crawling, pulling up on everything, standing without holding anything (for at least 5 seconds), and saying a couple words, we think.

Baby girl has started to stand without holding anything for very short periods of time. She also has started to take steps between pieces of furniture. It's not walking yet, but she is working on it.

We are also pretty sure that she is saying a few words. JT and I are pretty positive she says kitty and dog. She uses these two in context and the basic sounds are there, so we think she actually knows what they mean. She also says mama and dada a lot, but not usually in context. We aren't so sure she really understands who mama and dada are, but she'll surely figure it out soon.

Doots also knows how to wave goodbye now. In true Nelson fashion, she only does it when she feels compelled, but she knows how.

Keeping up with a curious, crawling baby is a lot of work, but it is so much fun to watch her discover new things. I don't think either of us will ever get sick of watching Audrey squee and giggle as she chases a cat. It is pure joy for her. I also don't think Audrey will ever get sick of playing on your mark, get set, go with JT. All he doe is say on your mark, get set, go and runs down the hall towards her and she giggles and squeels and just gets so excited. It is fun.

Let's get to the things Audrey loves and hates this month.

This month Audrey LOVES

• Cats
• On your mark, get set, go
• Cheese
• Monster
• Swinging
• Music
• Dancing
• Going for walks and runs
• The iPad
• Chewing on our apple cores (she seriously loves them)
• Daycare
• Soup
• Bananas
• Tickle time
• Turning on the ceiling fan
• Watching any animal
• The fireplace doors and wood box (she is not supposed to play with these)

This month Audrey HATES

• Getting her diaper changed
• Getting dressed
• Getting in her PJs
• Not being allowed to chew on cords, the remote, dog toys, shoes, etc. 
• When we take an apple core from her
• Teething, for the love of god top teeth just come through
• Having a stuffy nose
• Bumping her head on the floor
• Bumping her head on the coffee table
• Bumping her head on the ottoman, you get the idea

Before we know it that doots is going to be a whole year old, yeesh!

This is my life, and I chose it?

Let me set the scene for you...

I have worked 9 days in a row, with two more to go. Many of those days were long, exhausting field days with lots of driving. I am tired. All I want to do is lay down with a book and some tea and go to sleep when Audrey does.

Instead I go to derby practice, because that is what good derby girls do and it is always fun once I actually get myself there. However, when I get home from practice I am going to relax. All I can think of is a hot bath, tea, and a book.

After I get home, and pump I get my bath ready. I sit down in the blissful hot water with some sleepy time tea and a memoir about addiction. I have a weird fascination with addiction, this is a topic for another time. The tub is full, I turn off the water and soak it in and hear Audrey start to fuss. Shit.

I literally just sat down in the bath. I haven't even had a sip of tea or read a single word. Shit. Maybe she'll go back to sleep. It's too early for JT to give her middle of the night bottle. Shit.

She keeps fussing. I haul myself out of the tub, grab a towel, and drag my dripping wet self to her room. She is upset for reasons unknown to me, but likely having to do with teeth. I am desperate to get back to my bath so I nurse her, usually I would try something else first as she just ate a couple hours ago. But I am desperate and nursing is magical. She seems to mostly be asleep after about 10 minutes so I go back to the tub.

I get back in, thankfully the water is still hot, and start my relaxation process over. I drink a little tea read about a chapter and I hear her fussing again. What do I do this time?

I think screw it, JT's turn. And I carry on with my bath. However, it is a lot less relaxing when you can hear a baby moaning about her sore gums in the background.

Audrey did go back to sleep on her own that time and she was pretty good the rest of the night, but still I just wanted a half an hour to escape and relax.

Is that so much to ask baby girl? Perhaps next time you can help a mama out?

But, we chose this and I wouldn't trade in my baby for all the uninterrupted baths in the world. Though a house with thicker walls and/or more distance between Audrey's room and ours would be nice.

 Can't stay mad at this face though!

A Girl and Her Dog

Audrey loves the pets. I mean really loves them. Every time she sees a cat or a dog she shrieks and laughs and takes off to try to catch them.

She makes this face.

 She especially loves the cats. However, her approach to "playing" with them means they see her coming a mile away. If you truly want to pet the cat dear daughter, you probably should not shriek at the top of your lungs as you chase them down. You see they don't enjoy you quite as much as you enjoy them.

Once in a while Felix lets her catch him. This usually happens if he is getting attention from one of us. Apparently snuggling with a human is worth being accosted by a baby.

Shasta on the other hand, feels that Audrey is her little baby to protect and love. I cannot tell you how happy this makes us. We were a bit nervous about how Shasta would handle the baby. She tends to bark at kids a lot. Not just bark around kids, but really bark at them. We strongly suspected she would follow our lead and protect the little baby and it is so wonderful that she does.

The only downside of this is that when we are all out together she is extra on guard about her baby. Which equates to her barking at everyone and everything. It is like we went back in time four years. It is hard to get mad as we know her heightened anxiety is out of worry for Audrey but it is obnoxious. Hopefully this issue will improve over time.

Not only does Shasta feel she needs to protect Audrey, she has also decided it is not worth trying to avoid her. She lets Audrey play with her tail and her feet and lean on her and climb on her. Often she barely opens an eye when Audrey is playing with her foot or tail. It is very sweet, though I do try to set some limits as I don't want Audrey to think dogs are for climbing. But it is nice to not have to watch them so, so closely. I still am pretty nervous at the prospect of having other kids over, but hopefully we can work on that gradually overtime as well.

That Shasta, she is the best dog!

It's all fun and games until you get trapped on a patio

Audrey had the best weekend ever.

The weekend before last I was very busy with derby. Which means I did not get to spend much time with JT and Audrey. As a result, last weekend was family fun weekend.

We did all of the fun things. We went and had beers on the patio at Hop Cat. We subsequently got trapped on the patio when their systems crashed. Read, no one could pay or get their check.

At bedtime.

It was not ideal.

Eventually, for the good of the public, we threw some cash on the table and left. Baby girl needed to go to bed. Other than the computer snafu, it was great. How can you go wrong with 100 beers on tap!

On Saturday we went to the local water park. Audrey loved playing in the splash pad and sitting in the shallow water. However, she loved being zoomed through the water by us most. To keep with the theme of the weekend, she did not get to be zoomed in the water until it was almost time to go because someone puked in the pool right when we got there.

I am not kidding.

Apparently, it takes a half an hour or so to clean and sterilize a puked in pool. When we finally were able to get in the pool Audrey had a blast. She only unintentionally put her face in the water once. Water is tricky, so clear it looks like air to babies. JT went down the slides. Audrey is still just a hair too short for the slides.

I don't have any pictures of the water park. Sorry.

Finally, on Sunday we went to the regular park. Shasta even got to come. When we got there we were the only people there so Shasta got to have some off leash time. She thought it was pretty great. It was quite hot though, so she was spent by the time another family arrived and she had to get on the leash.

 Audrey also loved the park. Well she loved the swings. She was not quite as sure about the wood chips. She wanted to eat them, but did not like crawling or standing on them.

But she loved the swings. Like open mouthed, belly laughing loved the swings. She's going to be a daredevil that one. Loves to swing, loves to be zoomed through water, loves to be tossed, and loves it even more if you pretend to drop her. Sounds like she will make a good little athlete someday!

Family fun weekend was great. I can't wait to do it again next weekend.

In other news, Audrey is now crawling on her hands and knees, and is quite quick. She has also learned how to pull herself to standing. So, naturally that is all she wants to do.

Pull herself up on the granite fireplace, seems safe. Pull herself up in her crib, who needs sleep anyway. Pull herself up on the couch, sure why not.

I could go on and on. It seems like she is changing by the minute right now. Growing up is hard work, she should take a break.