A difficult decision to say the least

I made an incredibly difficult decision recently. I mean really difficult. On par with changing jobs, moving, or deciding to have a child. It certainly will change my life just as much as any of the mentioned decisions.

I decided to retire (take a break, I'm not sure yet) from roller derby.

This post is for me. It is so I remember how much I love derby and how hard this decision was for me. It is so I know I seriously weighed my options and made this decision for me and my family. It is so I recall that I did not come by this decision lightly.

It is also so my teammates know these things. I planned to explain to them why I had to quit when I told them, but all I could do was cry and blubber. Written words will have to do.

As I said, this was not a decision made in haste or with little thought. In fact, I am pretty sure JT would have invested in ear plugs or left me if I talked about it to/with him anymore. I wanted guidance from him. But being the incredible husband he is, he refused to tip the scales for me. He insisted that what is best for our family is whatever I decide. If roller derby is what makes me happy, do it. If I feel overwhelmed and stressed trying to fit everything in, don't do it. Simple. Right?

I am eternally grateful for his support, he has never complained about my involvement with derby. Ever. But, in this case I really, really wanted some guidance. I know in my heart he was right, it was a decision I needed to make for me, not him. But it was hard, and I wanted him to make it for me.

After a great deal of wavering, I decided to stop skating for now. I now JT does not think I will stick to this decision. He has made this abundantly clear. He knows derby. He knows derby girls. He knows that derby is so much more than a hobby. It is an addiction. A way of life. It is fulfilling and gratifying.

I am going to stop skating though. I have to. For my soul, my mind, and my body.

That is why I am quitting. I cannot do it all anymore. It is too much for this human woman.

 I miss my baby. There are just not enough hours in the day right now for me to do derby, be the mom I want to be, and have the career I want to have. One of these things needs to give and unfortunately I only saw one option. I love being a mom. I love my career. I need more time for both of those things. Unfortunately the only place I could find more time was from derby.

You may think if you love derby so much, why not just cut back? Continue skating but go part time, or just less.

Those of you who know me know this is not an option. I am an all or nothing person. I tried this concept this season, I failed miserably. I cannot invlove myself in something I am not 100% committed to. I blame this on my mother and her, once-you-make-a-commitment-you-must-follow through mantra. That one stuck, mom. I hope to make it stick for my kid as well. It is a good mantra, but I kind of wish it wasn't so engrained in my soul right about now.

My last game was Saturday. It was about as good as it could have been. We won a close game, it was super fun, I played pretty well. It was a great way to go out, but it made it even harder. That game was so fun. It was what derby addiction is made of.

I told JT it would have been easier if I would have played terribly or if we had had a rough game. I would never wish those things for my team, but it would  have made it easier to walk away. I am so happy we won Saturday. I am so happy it was an incredibly fun game. I am so happy I felt good about how I played.

I am so sad it was my last game.

I will miss my team with an intensity I cannot describe. I will miss derby with an intensity I cannot describe. BUT

I also will love sleeping more, seeing my family more, and getting caught up at work more than I can describe. I will love having the energy to play with Audrey. I am excited to expand our family. I am so excited to have time for running, yoga, and other hobbies that have been put aside. I am excited to have more money, good lord derby is expensive.

It is with a heavily conflicted heart I look forward to the months ahead. Vixens please know you are my sisters. I love everything about the Vixens, and I will remain involved in a smaller way. I cannot give you up cold-turkey. You are my family in a city where I have none. You are friends, mentors, and advocates. You are the most incredible group of men and women with which I have ever been involved and I am not going to give that up. I love being a Vixen and always will be, even if I'm not on the track. I want you to know how much the love and support of this team means to me and how hard it was for me to come to this decision. You all are the best, thank you.

And please don't worry, serious baby will still be around.