I know this post will not appeal to many of you. I feel compelled to write it for myself, for Audrey, and for the one or two people who may see it and feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I say I am writing it for Audrey because she may one day have a breastfeeding struggle like I did. My mom brought me a box of stuff from when I was kid the last time she visited. In that box was a calendar with daily notes from when I was a newborn baby. It was really fun to see what my parents were thinking when I was a wee little one. It was also really comforting to find that my mom had similar issues nursing me as I had with Audrey. I didn't want to eat or latch and she was constantly worried I wasn't getting enough. It was helpful to me to know I was not the only one who struggled during those first weeks. So, hopefully these breastfeeding posts will provide some comfort to Audrey if she ever has kids and has a challenging beginning to their nursing relationship.
On to the update! Breastfeeding has gotten easy for us. I CANNOT believe I just wrote that. If you told me when Audrey was three weeks old that I would be able to nurse her anywhere, anyway with very little effort I would have called you crazy. But it's true we are doing great! Nursing truly has become easy for us.
Until Audrey was about 3 or 4 months, when we got off the shield and things started to get easy, I did not enjoy breastfeeding at all. I did it because breastmilk is the best food for Audrey and I felt it my duty to provide that to her. I continued to nurse rather than exclusively pump for the convenience factor. Though at the time I was pumping a lot and nursing just enough to keep her coming back to the boob. I could not relate to those who loved to nurse their children and were sad when it came time to wean. I considered exclusively pumping many, many times. The only reason I kept breastfeeding is because I was too lazy to make bottles to take with us when going out.
And then everything changed.
Nursing started to get easy. We gradually stopped using the shield (I'm not even sure where it is right now).
I was able to feed her in bed while lying down. I never thought this would happen. Ever.
Audrey also began to get less and less cuddly, unless we were nursing. And I started to understand the desire to breastfeed and the feelings of sadness that will come with weaning. The feelings that seemingly every other mother has. And I started to feel like a "normal" mom.
I will miss getting close cuddle time with that baby girl every day.
I wanted to share this because my view of and satisfaction with breastfeeding have changed so much over the past 5 months.
I want to let any moms who are struggling or who don't love breastfeeding to know
1) It will get easier. Also, see a lactation consultant if you haven't.
2) It is OK if you don't love nursing your baby. You don't have to love it. It's fine if you see it as one more thing you have to do to care for your baby.
3) you might start to like it a little bit more as time goes by and things get easier. Or, you might not. Either way it is OK and there is nothing wrong with you. You don't have to love breastfeeding. Not everyone does.
I am really glad we stuck it out. I love having some time each day when I get to snuggle Audrey close and listen to her sweet, milk gulping sounds while she nurses.
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| The early, harder days when we were still using a shield. |
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| Current days. Things are easy. Nursing outside on a blanket under a tree. |
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