Trying to have it all but getting none of it?

Hi. It has been awhile! I promise a two year update for the brothers soon! And a 4 year update for Audrey, I suppose that should come first...

At any rate I have been having thoughts about being a mom, having a career, and how those things interact. Some of you may know I recently reduced my work hours a little bit, from full time (40+) to 32 hours. Not a huge drop but enough to allow me to be home with the kids two days a week, squeezing in a little work before they wake, after they go to bed, or while the brothers nap and Audrey rots her brain with TV. And sometimes I have a sick kid in my lap while Tayo plays on one monitor and GIS is on the other, and that's fine because that is working with kids. I don't mind squeezing it it when I can. I like my job. I like to work. But I also like to be with my kids and see them grow. I like it all.

The idea was to give me a little more time with the kids and to give me a little more time to do work around the house so the weekends aren't all chores all the time. I must add JT does lots of work around the house too, lots. But he also works, so if we want weekend time to do fun stuff someone has to do it during the week, but he still does pretty much all the dishes and laundry. I would say we have achieved these two goals, which is great!

What I didn't expect quite so much, was to feel like I am now not a "real" scientist. That because I chose to reduce my work hours I am not a real career woman. That I don't value my career. That I don't find joy and pride in my work. None of these things are true. I realize that feeling this way is partially my own insecurity and issue. But, I do think part of why I feel this way is because of society. In America we seem to be very all or nothing in all things, but especially when it comes to parenting. I simultaneously don't really feel like I fit with moms who care for their kids as their job (I don't know what the correct term is here "stay at home" doesn't seem right nor does "full time" so we'll go with mom as a job, because we all know it is a JOB). Not because I am shunned by these moms, that is not true at all. But because I do have time away, I do have adult time, I do have time to exercise my brain. So I don't fully relate to the reality of being a mom as a job. And in addition to those great pluses, I have work stress. So much work stress, probably as much work stress as mom stress. But also don't have full mom stress because I have a break, you see where I'm coming from? This is minor though, I mostly feel like I have found my mom tribe. My work tribe though, that is a much more elusive beast. To be clear, my boss and workplace are super fantastic. This is more of an overarching problem with work and life in general.

This leaves me in a place where I tend to feel inadequate in all places. Again, this is partially my problem and I have largely gotten over it. I am good at my job. I work hard when I am there, I will go back full time when the kids are in school. I also am a good mom. I work hard when I am with the kids. We have fun and struggles and love and it is beautiful.

My point is, if I feel this way other moms who work part-time probably do too, and frankly moms who work full-time. They probably also have the phrases "mommy track" and "doing the mom thing" swirling in their heads when they can't make a meeting on a mom day or can't stay late because their kid has swimming lessons.

And here is my real point - careers are important and kids are important.

And we shouldn't feel like we have to choose which is more important. There should be a balance. Balance should be the norm, America. And frankly, I feel like I have that balance shit down, and I don't like feeling shitty about it. We should value the contribution made by mothers and fathers who work but also want to be present for their kids. Because guess what, we continue to work hard and one day our kids will be grown and we will still be here working hard, but now with more flexibility and more ability to work long hours and be flexible in our work schedule. And our kids need us now when they are small. We all want productive, kind tiny humans right? Well, tiny humans need present parents to be productive and kind!

Can we work on this, America? Please. Can we work on valuing work and valuing parenting and helping families with young kids make things work? Please. Because, we are, yet again, behind the rest of the world on this one. And I bet more talented, amazing women would continue to work some after they have kids if this balance was common and within grasp, and that would be a great asset to our society.

And now I feel a little better and hopefully you do too mom who feels under valued as a mom, or as a career woman, or as a hybrid because we are all so, so valuable.

 

The Brothers: 18 months.

I'm back!

I am still doing the 365 project of daily pictures, though I have not been so good about putting those up on the blog. I will try to get back to that. But, I want to write some words about these kiddos because as we all know it is hard to recall life at any given moment a year down the road. I really, really enjoy seeing blog post from a year or two ago pop up on Facebook. It is so fun to see what was happening and what I do and do not recall. So with that, more words are forthcoming.

First things first, the brothers are 1.5 years old! They are walking, working on talking, interacting, and full of distinctly different personality. I am continually amazed at just how different they are given they share all of their genetic material. Kai eats meat, carbs (but not noodles), and pureed fruits and veggies with a strong emphasis on meat. Soren eats meat, carbs, fruit, and some veggies with a strong emphasis on fruit. Some days I think I should just give them one dinner plate to share Kai can have the meat, Soren can have the fruits and veggies. At the park Sore goes straight to the slide, Kai walks on bridges and up and down stairs, over and over. Generally Kai is quick with his smile and laugh, Soren is super serious. Although, the last few days Soren has been Mr. Smiles. Kai likes to sit down and eat meals, Soren is just like Audrey and would strongly prefer to graze all day. Actually, I often think Soren and Audrey are more similar in personality than Soren and Kai. I'm telling you guys, these identical twins are the science experiment that keeps on giving, so interesting to watch them grow.

Neither brother has the language Audrey had at 1.5, though as our Dr. said she is a touch act to follow. She was a super early talker. Both have some words. Soren loves to say uh-oh. They both say mommy and daddy, ball, and a few other things. Kai though, is such a babbler. He talks and talks gibberish complete with eye contact and emphasis as though he is really trying to communicate something. When he figures out actual words he is going to be talking up a storm. Kai also loves books. He goes and gets them from the shelf, brings them over, and climbs into your lap to listen. It is the best. Both brothers also love to give kisses and love it when we kiss their loveys.

They are always making their sister mad getting into her stuff, but she also loves them a lot. She loves to play with them and is continually saying "Oh Bubba you are so cute, oh Bubba." It is pretty sweet, until she pushes them over or tackles them.

I actually decided to take the time to write this because of a moment I had yesterday with the boys. I was playing with all three kids. They were sitting Soren, Audrey, Kai. Kai started giggling about something and Soren heard him and looked over and started smiling and laughing as well. He heard his brother laughing and it instantly brought a smile to his face. They went back and forth like that for awhile. Just the sound of the others giggle made them smile. It was the sweetest and pretty much sums up everything amazing about twins.

The Brothers: one year.

The brothers are one! Actually they are 14 months, but they were born a month early so we will split the difference and consider this post to only be one month late. Better late than never. There are not many pictures in the text part of this post, but there is a movie of their first year at the end. Enjoy!

Those brothers are getting more and more personality every day. And as a result their personalities are becoming more and more distinct every day. Soren is cautious, happy, and laid back. Kai is adventurous, reckless, happy, and high strung. They really are pretty much opposite which I find incredibly interesting. As different as they are, they are also pretty darn fond of each other. Of course they fight over toys and get in each others way, but they also go everywhere together, play together, and chat at each other all day long. It is so fun to watch their intense relationship grow.

They aren't walking yet but there is a lot of cruising around furniture, fast crawling, and a little free standing here and there. Kai seems to be a bit closer to walking than Soren, at least his free standing is better. However, Kai always seems to be closer to milestones than Soren and then Soren decides he wants to do x,y, or z and flies right by poor Kai. So, I assume Soren will walk first but we shall see.

Both brothers are doing some talking. They say mama, dada, bye, dog, and a few other things. Soren has recently started saying whoa when something cool is going on. It is the sweetest. I was swinging with him at the park and he just kept saying "whoa, whoa." So sweet. He has also started to scream for me when he is sad or hurt. He pinched his finger the other day and I was holding him to comfort him and he just kept yelling "mama, mama!" Heart melting. Kai isn't as apt to yell for me but he does lose his shit when I leave. Almost every day when I go to work he is standing and the gate to the basement screaming bloody murder for me to come back. Poor Mr. Kai.

They still only have two teeth, we are not sure there are any more in there. But, that does not stop them from eating food. They are pretty picky though. If given the choice they would subsist solely on meat, eggs, crackers, and pouches. Especially Kai, that kid is meat crazy but he is more likely to eat casserole type things than Soren. They are both way pickier than Audrey was at this age, heaven help us when they are three.

I have to at least mention how crazy this first year of their life has been. Day to day it is not too big a deal because we have to. We have to feed everyone. We have to care for everyone. We have to. But trying to remember this year, whoa. Not easy at all. I am so, so grateful I have managed to at least keep up with monthly posts so I at least have some memory of their first year, because if it depended solely on my memory there would not be much. We are at least sleeping more which helps immensely. In fact the boys were night weaned for a time. And then they got sick and we got lazy and here we are. But they do sleep through the night sometimes and don't usually wake more than once or twice, in fact Soren usually sleep through the night. Thank you Soren. They will sleep someday, at least that is what we keep telling ourselves. Really though, as crazy as life with all these little people is we would not trade it for the world. Because it is such a full life, full of love, full of fun, full of laughs. So full.

Here are a few likes and dislikes for each little dude.

Soren loves

• Electronics, good grief does he love electronics.
• Bananas
• Meat
• Balls and putting balls through the basketball hoop
• Climbing over things
• Push toys

Soren hates

• Diaper changes
• Not getting electronics
• Finger pinches

Kai loves

• Meat
• Climbing everything
• Jumping on the trampoline
• Mom
• Books
• Putting lids on containers and putting things in containers
• Being chased
• Standing
• The dog cage

Kai hates

• Sleep (not really but he does sleep less than Soren)
• Fruit in its native form
• Not getting to play in the dog cage
• Mom leaving 

 Both brother bears are doing great. Changing and learning every day. We love them to pieces and so does their big sister. She likes to help and also to take things from them and hurt them, ya know like a normal three year old.

A new plan, because I am failing.

I am failing at blogging. Prime example I have not done one year posts for the brothers yet. I will I promise. But I haven't yet. A large part of this is I just can't get make myself take out the computer again after a day of work. I can do this from my phone, hopefully that will help.

So, I am going to try something new this year. I am going to try to post one photo and caption each day. This is know as the 365 project. However I am 31 days late, so really it is project 334. I feel like that is splitting hairs, so we'll go with the 365 project.

I am hopeful I can handle this. I can do it from my phone, I take at least one picture most days. We shall see how it goes.

So I give you project 365 day one.

The Kai man doing his favorite dinner prep activity. Pulling all the cookbooks off the bookshelf. Thanks buddy.

The Brothers: 11 months.

Well, the brothers turn one in two weeks so I should probably do their 11 month post. I took their 11 month picture the actual day they turned 11 months, so clearly this post is way late. Oh well, such is life.

The boys had a very fun 11th month. They both started crawling, Soren got a couple teeth, they started pulling up on everything, they began to love baths, they started taking music class, they are always taking stuff from their sister and the dog (the dog handles it much better than the sister), they met Santa, and they went to chop down a Christmas tree for the first time. Busy, busy month.

The biggest development this month is mobility. Those boys are crawling everywhere and getting into everything. We have our main level set up so they are mostly safe to crawl around and do what the wish, but of course they are always getting into the stuff they shouldn't be. The dog cage, cords, the dog water. You get the idea.

They are also pulling themselves up and Soren is starting to cruise from piece of furniture to piece of furniture. No real balancing while standing yet, but it won't be too long before they start walking.

They have also started to get much more interactive this month, especially Kai. He will wave and clap and pretty much mimic anything we do. Especially when he is in his high chair. It is really fun. Soren waves and does some mimicking as well, but not quite so much as Kai. Though Soren is pretty good at coming when called these days.

Food is their favorite thing ever. They eat any and everything we put on their trays. I am pretty sure they eat more than Audrey almost every day, and they still nurse quite a bit. The only place where we have not progressed much is sleep. I know they will sleep someday, but I am beginning to think that day is in the distant future. Who needs sleep anyway, right?

All in all 11 was a good month for those brothers. Tons of development, tons of fun, lots of love.

Instead of a things they love and hate this month, I am going to do a little bit about what each one likes and doesn't, because they are two different people after all.

Kai
 
Kai loves balls. He loves to catch balls, he loves to throw balls, he loves to chase balls, he just loves balls. He also falls asleep on his own much better than Soren and tends to be a little more laid back  and happy, which is an interesting change from days gone by. We call him the bottomless pit of Kai because you cannot fill that kid up. He just keeps eating, though he is a little bit pickier than Soren. He continues to lag a little bit behind Soren in the gross motor skill department. We attribute that to all the physical therapy Soren had as a little dude. Kai makes all sorts of crazy sounds, not too many words yet, but the sounds that come out of that boy are something else. He loves books and currently is sleeping quite a bit better than Soren.

Soren
 
Soren loves music. He loves his drum with his whole heart. He also love to pull himself up and climb. He has taken to climbing the bottom few steps when we are downstairs. Yay. He crawls super fast and is into everything. He also loves his food, though not quite as much as Kai. Soren is currently in a bit of a crabby place and doesn't like to go to sleep on his own, or stay asleep really. We are pretty sure he says doggy and daddy quite a bit. Soren is a pretty big fan of Winnie and the cats. He also loves to take toys from Kai and Audrey. He apparently is stronger than Kai and takes his stuff all the time, he also like to smack Kai in the face and laugh and laugh. Kai is really not a fan. He is a sweet cuddly little man who loves to smile.

So similar and so different. Both beautiful little men. Already one in a just a couple short weeks. I am not sure how that is possible, but I am grateful I have been at least doing monthly updates here because this whole year is a blur. More about that next month.

Audrey: 3 years.

Hi sweet angel baby, you turned 3 a couple weeks ago. Three years with our sweet, spunky, doot scoot riot. I can't believe how big you are, little lady. Some days the things you do and say take my breath away. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not so much. You have a lot of sass in your little body, my dear. But one thing is abundantly clear, you are not a baby anymore, not at all.

This year has been a very big one for you. You got not one, but two little brothers, you went from daycare to a nanny, and you got a big girl bed. Those are just the major life change highlights. There was much, much more involved in this wonderful year of your life. Let's try to recap in order, then we will talk about you and your overflowing personality.

We had a big year right from the start, Christmas in New York followed fairly quickly by the arrival of your brothers. With your brothers came grandma, and then grandpa. They came and stayed with us for a month, this may well have been the highlight of the year for everyone in this house. You loved having them here and so did we. Quite honestly, I am not sure how your dad and I would have managed the first month of your brothers life without Babas. It certainly would have been harder to get you the attention you needed. The one thing we were able to keep consistent for you was bedtime stories. Since your brothers were born neither mom or dad has missed reading you your stories if we are home. I think it a favorite time of day for all of us.

Enough about your brothers, right? You did so much this year that didn't involve them. You went to the dentist for the first time, you went to the Atlantic Ocean for the second time, you went to Wisconsin and Minnesota, we went to the museum and zoo, you got a sand box, you got a bike, you went on lots of hikes, walks, and stroller rides, you kept working hard at swimming lessons, you stopped wearing diapers, you started choosing your own clothes and brushing your teeth, in short you got big.

You are so big baby girl. Filled with sass and silly. You love to dance. You love construction vehicles of all types. You love to help your brothers when they are sad. You try music first, followed by hugs, kisses, loveys, and nuks. You love to play tag in the basement and hide and seek everywhere. You are presently obsessed with Octonauts, but last month is was Paw Patrol, and earlier this year it was Doc McStuffins. Elmo remains a favorite through thick and thin. You love books, Curious George, Clifford, Little Critter, Bernstein Bears, and the Magic School Bus are some favorites. You recently have discovered the joy of the Wii and love your leap pad. You increasingly love hugs and cuddles (thank you, thank you, thank you) and to be picked up. You are always fixing people and giving check ups and your pretend play has flown off the charts. You even do different voices for your different Octonauts.

You my sweet girl are amazing. You are, however, three. Which means there are a few less than desirable tendencies. You have started shouting "No. Stop talking to me." when you don't want to engage, not so polite, friend. You also are ridiculous about what and when you will eat. I have given up, I assume you won't starve yourself. There are meltdowns, but really you are pretty easy going for a three year old. I can't complain much. We are working on your sass and manners. They will come with time I hope.

Your daddy and I love you to the moon sweet baby girl. Don't ever lose your adventurous spirit, silly disposition, or sweet giggle. Or maybe just stop growing up, that might be OK too.

Thankful.

Sometimes the magnitude of the love I have for my three little people catches me off guard. Like a sucker punch to the gut, it takes my breath and causes a moment of panic. How can I love these little monsters this much.

My whole heart is in these little humans. Just walking around the world free to be shattered at a whim. I don't think about that possibility long though, instead I bask in the glow of being surrounded by such intense love. The kids, my husband. There is so much love in our crazy little home and I am so incredibly grateful.

I am so grateful that I was lucky enough to be born into the safety of upper middle class America, I am so grateful I was able to marry the love of my life, buy a beautiful house, and create three perfect people. That is a lot of wonderful right there, and sometimes it sneaks up on me and punches me right in the gut. A reminder to let the tantrums, messes, and poop go, and instead bask in this house full of love.

So much to give thanks for, so very much.